Death is Nothing to Us: Epicurus

I remember the Philosophy class in which I first came across this statement and how I later chose to write about it and failed miserably at trying to convince the reader why this might be true.

I wrote that death is nothing to us because we are outside of the sensory world when we are dead. We experience no pain, no pleasure, no anguish, no surprise, just an omniscient and ethereal observation, if any exists of the world. As heartless as it sounds, severed from the sensory world, our bodies having been the conduit, we look unfeeling upon the sorrows of those we have departed. It would stand to reason that we could not even interpret sorrow if we could not feel it. Or, maybe we retain imprints of the knowledge gained in our sensory lives and elevated above the sensory level it becomes something more.

At any rate. I find it hard to busy myself with this rapport when someone who I envisioned spending the rest of my life with is now dead. Committed suicide. With the most careful regard for those closest to him, cutting me off, last, 2 days before Christmas, 1 month before I was supposed to visit, 6 months before his death.

It is so painful when I think about the manner of his death, gruesome. I did not even think he was capable of something so terrible and yet, he must have been so alone, even though I was told by his grandmother that with me, he had been the happiest he ever was...and he told her as much. I think knowing that makes it all the more painful. I'm finding it hard to remove him from the space he so thoroughly occupies in my heart for 5 years now I have loved others while loving him unceasingly. Even in his death he retains a strong hold on my heart and it ails me every time my thoughts cross upon his name.

I break down alone. I tear up in class. I feel so empty.
Even as I write now it's hard. I haven't written since he died.
Not a single word.
And now, I don't know if I'll ever be okay again.